She’s Gone and Done it Again

Hello Internet~!

I’m back. Again. I know, I know you don’t want to hear the same excuses again. Instead here are some new ones! Just kidding. In all seriousness though, I have missed writing for this blog; or just writing in general. It something I haven’t been able to find the time to do over the past couple years and as I sit here at 11PM I wonder why I didn’t write this post two days ago when I first decided too? Short answer: too tired. Long answer: I went swimming at my friend’s house and was then too tired.

A lot has happened since my last post and although I knew this already, having a quick read over my last post made me realise just how much has in fact changed in both myself and my environment. And I wish I could say it was all positive.

Now don’t get me wrong, some great things have happened to me in the past year or two and I’ve had experiences that I’ll never forgot and and planning to make more of those for the future but it can be hard at time to remember those fantastic little moments of joy when you’re unhappy. The past two years have definitely been a trying time for me due to many factors including friend’s, family, work and university. That last one being the kicker of them all.

In my last post I have having the time of my life at TAFE studying Certificate IV in Screen and Media, and I was. I had the most fantastic teachers and had already made some lifelong friends. At the start of the next semester I was onto my Diploma, we lost one teacher and gained another whom I’d thought was really cool. Toward the end of this semester we learned that our favourite teacher would not be returning and it actually made me quite upset. This was essentially the beginning. With the rest of the cool teachers no longer a part of my classes I began to enjoy my time less and less and decisions about my assignments and films no longer were something I had a say in. I survived the Advanced Diploma and came out fairly unscathed but I’d won the battle and not the war.

I continued on to the Bachelor of Screen Production halfway into the course thanks to my previous studies and only had a year and a half to go. The first semester practically broke me. Two of my classmates seemed to have it in for me and one of my teachers was starting to look like it too without provocation. I got pushed to breaking point and had a complete breakdown around the middle of the year (a breakdown for which the teacher humiliated me for a few weeks later in front of the class). The rest of the semester I kind of closed off and shut down and ultimately ended up failing because of the treatment. I thought long and hard about going back for another semester and ultimately decided I would but also promised myself I wouldn’t put up with that again.

So on the first day back I had a chat with my teacher about what had happened last semester and came out of the meeting completely disatisfied with his nonchalant responses. But I persevered. Within the first week or two, I believe, I had once again been accused and humiliated by my teachers in front of the whole class who mostly thought it was wrong after but none stood up for me when it happened. And the semester continued like this. I wasn’t getting walked over this time since I refused to sit down and take the treatment but instead I was getting ignored and overlooked. Now at the end of this semester I’m trying to fight to be treated like a decent human being and trying to get grades changed that my teachers lack of care and planning have affected.

TLDR;; I am unsure if I’ll be attending my university next year to complete my degree after three years of study as I refuse to be treated the way I have been for almost two years.

I (surprisingly) still love filming and want to continue doing it if not yet at a professional/paid level but to do so in such a negative and dare I say abusive environment is a) not ideal (aha) and b) will likely poison film for me for a long time. I’m not the only one in my class who wants to leave at this point so I just have a lot of decisions to make on how next year will go.

Speaking of next year! After all that sadness and despair (which is likely from the day I’ve had today), I am really wanting 2015 to be a year I concentrate on myself. That might sound a be self-centered or selfish, but I’ve spent too many years being unhappy, angry and upset. It has been almost a constant mood of one of those three for several years and I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m 21 and I’m both too young to be feeling this way everyday and I’m also too old to be wasting my precious time on people and things that cause me to be so miserable.

So this is my plan for 2015:

BE HAPPY

 

Sorry to anyone who reads this for the long post. I almost made it paragraphs longer but thankfully deleted that. Haha. Anyway, hope it won’t be long before I next post, and of good things! It is Christmas soon and all!

Talk soon!
Amber. xx

 

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